October: Heather Hardesty: Why aren't kids allowed to fail?

Heather Hardesty: Why aren’t kids allowed to fail?

Welcome to a new dance year everyone! Thank you TFDE for the honor of being a professional mentor again this year. I’m always so excited to start new classes full of eager students willing and eager to learn. I also love getting new dance clothes and dance shoes if I’m being honest.

A little bit about me for those of you who are new to the blogs. I am the current owner of Kinderdance Austin, Kinderdance Brazos County and Co-Owner of Kinderdance Collin County. I have taught for 25 years and currently teach children ages 2-12 through Kinderdance and as a staff member with Cedar Park Dance Company. I also direct a performance only dance group, Standing Ovations, at Cedar Park Dance Company. In my spare time I sing Soprano and choreograph for the Round Rock Community Choir and enjoy family time with my husband Dennis and my 11 year old daughter Hallie.

As excited as I am for new classes and the sweet faces of all the students in them, there is a growing trend that is weighting on my heart that I want to write about. Why are kids these days not allowed to fail?

The age of kids I teach are 2-12 years old. What I’m finding lately is that I have kids in class that will dissolve into tears if they can’t get a skill after the 1^st or 2^nd time and then sometimes they will completely shut down and not want to continue class after said skill. Why is it that when we were babies learning to walk we would spend all day pulling ourselves just to walk a few steps and fall to our bottoms only to get right back up and try again? What changed from that moment to the present day? Why are kids so hard on themselves when it comes to learning something new? I have a few theories I would like to explore.

Theory #1 – The pressure put upon kids from their own parents. Now I’m not knocking parents or parenting style in any way, but I do think parents tend to put unnecessary stress upon kids. I’m talking about parents who are constantly glaring through the window. The body language that portrays to the kid is “I’m watching, so you better do good”. I also think that parents tend to be quick to critique children when they didn’t pick up something fast enough. Instead of saying “How did class go? Did you have fun?”, I hear some parents tell kids “Why did you turn the wrong way in that ____ move”? Or “Why where you not listening to the teacher”. I understand as a parent, I am one to an 11 year old, that you want your kids to do well in their activity. You want them to excel – I get it! I think there needs to be a shift in language. I think it’s very important as a parent or teacher to tell kids that you take class to learn a style of dance and that doesn’t happen overnight. Everyone takes a different amount of time to learn new concepts – don’t compare your journey with the journey of others. As a parent or mentor we need to tell kids things like “Your passe in your turns looked so strong today – I can see your confidence is growing!” or “Your growth from last month to this month is wonderful – you do _____ skill so well.” Here’s the reality – most dancers will not dance after high school or college. Kids dance because it’s fun and for some it is something they want to pursue after high school or college, but it needs to come from the kid and not from the expectation a parent has on the child.

Theory #2 – Social Media. Kids these days have so much access to social media and because of that they see some unrealistic examples of where they should be skill wise. It’s hard when you see a 6 year old on America’s Got Talent hold her leg all the way to her head or busting out a triple turn. When you are a young kid you see things like that and tend to expect that when you walk into a dance class that in a few short months you should be doing the same. Kids then begin putting unrealistic expectations on themselves at that point. I really wish with all these posts there was a blurb that said “Featured dancer has danced ___ number of years and currently takes ___ number of hours a week”. Kids don’t naturally look at videos or Instagram and say “Wow, they must take 12 hours of dance and started at age 2”. It’s up to the keeper of that child’s social media to have a conversation with the child about what all went into that result they are seeing. I think social media can be a great thing and those posts can serve as motivation or goals – that is perfectly healthy. What isn’t healthy is a child that beats themselves up because they are not as good as the 8 year old on YouTube. Again, everyone has their own journey and no two journeys are the same.

So what can we do to change this narrative? What can we say differently that will give kids the confidence and the okay to fail and have the determination to try again next week? I think when we can answer these questions successfully we will have fewer kids in class that will dissolve into tears or shut down.